Update
I am still having an extremely tough time breathing, but the doctors were able to reduce the amount of fluid in my lungs with steroids and an emergency breathing treatment and it seems to be going down. It’s going to be a bit of a road to recovery, just because I cannot take a full breath still and it gets me extremely out of breath simply to get up and go to the bathroom. So any prayers or good thoughts that you all can give me would be wonderful-it’s been a scary few days for me. Apparently this could happen to me anytime a cold decides to become bronchial. Wonderful. :(
Holls
This is going to be my last post on Tumblr, indefinitely.
There are just some circumstances, some events in life that shake you to your core and disrupt any feelings of normalcy you may have had previously. There can be all the advice in the world, all the nice things people say and try to convince you of, but it’s just not what you want. It’s clear to me that this is no longer a place where I can share my deepest, darkest parts of my heart without feeling guilty or spiraling down in a wave of stuck thoughts, a broken, awful record of sorts that play over situations and memories in horrible, mangled ways.
I’ve made the one person I never ever hoped to push away think that I am crazy and psychotic. I shared some of my deepest and most troubling phobias yesterday on the phone and I could just feel him recoiling from me, in disgust, or just because he no longer knew how to handle me.
I don’t know how to be a whole person anymore. Either from this situation, or because that is how I’m wired now. I don’t honestly know. But it’s a horrible way to exist. And a way that I really don’t want to exist in, because I feel like a ghost of myself, full of anger, hurt, bitterness, and despair. There’s really not much that I can do about it anymore.
People say to me that time heals things. No it doesn’t. If that were true, I think I would have been okay, given the circumstances. But when part of yourself, part of your heart, part of the biggest piece of joy in your life is no longer there, that can not be duplicated. Ever again. It’s just gone, and then you’re alone to pick up the pieces, and play the horrible reel of thoughts and images over and over and over in your head. I can’t do that anymore. And I’m not going to subject Tumblr to it, when there are so many happy things in this place. I’m not going to subject others in my life as well. It’s just not worth it anymore. There are other reasons why this is my last post, but I’ve laid out the basics as to why I feel this way, why certain things are not options for me, and how my life has utterly fallen apart in a matter of months.
And that’s really all I can say anymore. I feel like a zombie typing this up anyway.
xo